Lately I have been filled with doubt concerning my relationship with Sir to the point that Sir has even noticed it. And I thought I was doing a good job of controlling it! As with most troublesome emotions, I pick it to death trying to understand its cause and possible solutions. Most likely part of the problem is my overactive imagination and self-reflection working to control the relationship rather than just surrender to Sir’s control. Doubt is one of my barriers to surrender and fear is its precursor. Various fears bubble up from my subconscious and doubt feeds them.
Currently I am reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami, one of my favorite quirky authors. It is always difficult to summarize Murakami’s novels since there is only a thread of a plot so well hidden in the prose that it takes effort to decipher the narrative. The back of the books says it is “A love story, a mystery, a fantasy, a novel of self-discovery, a dystopia to rival George Orwell’s—1Q84 ..” and that about sums it up. When I read a novel by Murakami, I always relate to his writing style of magic realism with characters moving between alternate realities that defy explanation.
That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much I haven't said enough (REM, Loosing my Religion)
Lately the words to this REM song have been the background theme to my thoughts. Have I revealed too much to Sir and made myself vulnerable to pain, fear, shame, and a host of other disagreeable emotions? My religion has become Us and it is one of trust, faith, and deep friendship and yet I wonder how I got here? The puzzle pieces to our relationship have realigned and I feel so close to Sir that I am frightened and puzzled by my fear and vulnerability. Why should I fear what exists?
Please continue reading at Vulnerability.
Recently there was a question posed in the Fetlife group Masters and slaves UNCENSORED concerning fear and the role it plays in the M/s relationship. I have written about fear before but the question prompted me to reconsider it. Sir has told me he wishes me to fear him but not be afraid of him. There is a tremondous difference in the two emotions. Fear is the contemplation of something dangerous as a potential threat or a painful situation whereas being afraid incorporates fear with undesirable implications. There is a semantic difference that is perhaps based on my individualistic meanings and experiences. I acknowledge fear is a part of my kink. To me, fear is pushing boundaries and going forward on the adventure of life and I do not wish fear to hold me back or be perceived as an obstacle to new experiences. “Life as an adventure” is one of my deepest held values and by necessity, there is no adventure without a bit of fear and trepidation of the newness of the experience.
Please follow the post at Fear – A Few More Thoughts.
There are various ways of looking at learning. People learn in many different way but one categorization is visual, auditory, or tactile learners. Visual learners rely on viewing a representation of material and do best with graphics, outlines, pictures and other similar media. Auditory learners rely on what they have heard and retain more knowledge by listening to a lecture than a visual learner. Tactile or kinesthetic learners learn by manipulation of their environment with models, labs, field trips and other hands on experiences. Of course, most people are a mix of these learning types but rely on the method they feel most comfortable with.
Sir and I never utilized the words slave training or discussed the process we would use to learn about each other. Our compatibility and subsequent relationship took both of us by surprise. Sir was in control and I tried to avoid hearing those words “This is getting annoying” from him as much as possible. As I became more knowledgable and read about slave training on Fetlife, I found a wide variety of comments ranging from the “I am not a dog!” camp to a rational discussion of the process and usage of the concept. So then what is slave training? I had read the Marketplace series by Laura Antoniou and envisioned a house or a Master with a strict set of training procedures, rules, sexual practices, and lots of whips .. all in real life. And variations of this does exist in real life. But as luna states in her post, slave training is a slave learning what the Master wants, how he wants it, when he wants it and overall, what will please him. Training encompasses whatever the Master wants in a manner he wishes to teach.
Please follow link to my blog on Boundaries.